Musings of A Not So Starving Artist

If You Always Do What You Always Did...

2011-02-28T05:10:00.000-05:00

It has been quite a while since I've written an entry here. My usual fall/winter lung and sinus problems began in November and are still going on as I type. Because of this, I've been on Prednisone, so I haven't seen any weight loss in months. The good news is that I haven't really gained much, either. I do fluctuate somewhere between 5-10 pounds, but I know it will go away come spring, when I can finally get off of these prescriptions.

Lately, I've been feeling the need to step up my game, so to speak. Don't get me wrong. I've lost approximately 130 pounds since October of 2009 and I am extremely happy about that! Dropping 6 clothing sizes does wonders for my mental health!!! Still, there are times when I catch my reflection and think, "I have lost so much weight. Why am I still fat?" But that is the old, negative tape playing in my head. Old habits die hard, you know.

I had planned to start doing circuit training in September, but I got sidelined when I had my hernia operation. Now I am free to start a core exercise regime, but I can't seem to take that first step. I feel I am at a crossroads. If I want to lose more weight (which I do) I need to start working out. I don't know. Maybe it's because I haven't been feeling well for a while that I can't get my butt moving. Part of me is happy with where I am. I mean, 130 pounds gone. Seriously?   That's so much weight lost. If I stopped here, would that be so bad? But, I am a perfectionist. If I am honest with myself, I am NOT happy to just stop here. I want to lose it all...every pound I gained all those years ago. Thus, I must get moving.

I've also toyed with the idea of going back to Weight Watchers. But WW never worked for me. I joined that program at least 10 times (for real!) and never had any success. I worked hard at it, but it just wasn't the right program for me. So, WHY on EARTH am I even considering going back? Again, old habits. There's a saying that I picked up in WW that goes, "If you always do what you always did, then you'll always get what you always got."    I think that is good advice, don't you?

There's also a part of me that is rebelling against all weight loss programs at the moment. I want to live my life and not be on a diet. Maybe that's okay? I have to be careful, though, not too let old habits sneak back in to my life. That is very difficult when taking Prednisone, because I crave carbs. I find myself wanting things like banana bread and donuts. Thank goodness for my cyber friend, Michelle, who posts wonderful protein rich recipes for these things on her blog http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.com I've made her donuts before and they are really good and very filling. I think it is time to make some more.

I can't sort this out in one night, but writing about it helps. Thanks for reading my ramblings. I am open to ideas and suggestions, so have at it in the comments.   I'll try not to stay away for so long in the future.

Until next time,


Summer 2009, awaiting Gastric Bypass Surgery

Nancy (Scrappyknees)


January 29, 2011 (Me & my friend, Caryn)

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-19T00:22:00.000-05:00

Closure

2010-11-10T23:06:00.000-05:00

Tonight, after I taught my Kindermusik class, I stopped in at Rockport United Methodist Church to see my old choir friends. In case you are not up to speed, I was the Director of Music there for 15 years. I lost my job last December, shortly after I had my Gastric Bypass Surgery. I had always been bothered by how things happened. The choir season always starts on the Wednesday that follows Labor Day. 3 weeks later, I left to have my surgery, which had been planned well in advance. While I was recuperating, I was let go from my position. I never saw the choir again, which really troubled me. I had been wanting to pop in for a visit with the choir, but something always held me back. But tonight, I just had to go.

It was a little strange pulling into the parking lot again after all this time. I sat in the car for 10 minutes before I finally went in to the church. I wanted to wait until the end of rehearsal, so as not to disrupt things. While I was waiting in the hall, one of the children I had worked with saw me. He did a double take and then said, "Where have you been?" It was so sweet and innocent and sad at the same time. We talked for a while, and when rehearsal ended, I popped my head into the room.

Everyone was surprised to see me. It was so nice to finally get a chance to say goodbye in a proper way. I kept my visit short-only 10 minutes. And I left feeling good about the direction my life has taken.

The Doctors will tell you that your life will drastically change after GBS. They are right. Your body changes, your mind changes, and your life changes in ways you never even considered. I believe God used my GBS as a sort of clean slate. Now, as I look back over the last 13 months, it is beginning to make sense. And I am happy to follow wherever He leads me.

One final note...I am currently down 125 pounds. Seeing that in print just blows my mind!


Celebrating my birthday with my best friend, Karen.

Until next time,
Nancy
(Scrappyknees)

Would You Do It All Again?

2010-10-16T23:13:00.000-04:00

My One year surgery anniversary came and went on October 7, 2010. I saw my general physician the day after my anniversary, and he was very happy about my progress. His big question for me was, knowing what I now know, would I have the surgery again? Without hesitation, I said, "absolutely!" Yes, the road has been long and the journey hard, but it has been worth every ache, pain, and doctor's appointment. Today I am 120 pounds lighter and it has made a huge difference in my life. I've listed the major changes that I've noticed in this post. One new thing I've noticed is that on most days, I wake up refreshed! I open my eyes, stretch, and actually have energy! It is amazing what getting rid of sleep apnea will do for you.

If you are at a point in your life where you are considering bariatric surgery, the best advice I can give you is to do your research. Be a well informed patient. Be sure that you make your surgical inquiries at a Center Of Bariatric Excellence. I chose St. Vincent Charity Hospital's Center For Bariatric Surgery in Cleveland, Ohio.
Ask a lot of questions. Don't rush into your decision. It took me a full year to make mine. Realize that this is a process that takes between 6 months to a year. Before you can have surgery, you need to be educated. If you go to a Center Of Bariatric Excellence, you will attend classes to learn what to expect, what to eat, how to set your weight loss goal, and others. You will also be required to see a psychiatrist to make sure that you are in the right frame of mind to deal with the changes and stress this surgery brings. It is a huge life change and the education is very necessary to be successful. You cannot go into this surgery thinking you can eat doritos when you wake up the next morning!

Would I do it all again? A thousand times YES!

2010-09-16T22:44:00.000-04:00

This is Zoë's drawing of her new, thinner Mommy! She has me sitting in a chair. She made my day with this picture.

Comparison Time

2010-09-12T06:33:00.000-04:00

I think it's time for me to post some comparison photos.

Me & Zoë, May 2009


Me (-115 lbs.) & Zoë September, 2010 I know I used to be 115 pounds heavier. But seeing the difference here just blows my mind. How did I live like this for nearly twenty years?


Disney Cruise, April, 2008. This is how I used to get around on vacations or in stores. With my history of knee problems and eventual knee replacements at age 34 & 35, the extra weight just made it impossible to walk or stand for more than a few moments.

Now I can stand, walk, and participate in life! Granted, this is not the best picture of me. The wind was blowing my hair all around as I was fighting back tears on my baby's first day of preschool! (Not very successfully, I might add.) Still, the difference is pretty clear, don't you think?

This has been an amazing journey, thus far. I'm looking forward to losing the remaining 85 pounds. Thanks for coming along for the ride!

Before I sign off, I'd like to ask you to keep my mom, Rosanna, in your prayers. She undergoes surgery on Monday (9/13) to repair a break in a foot in which the bone is disintegrating. This is a temporary fix with no guarantees of actually working. She will eventually lose the use of her foot and be wheelchair bound. We are all hoping that this surgery will temporarily allow her to walk without the constant pain she endures on a daily basis.

Mom has a form of Muscular Dystrophy known as CMT-Charcot Marie Tooth Syndrome. It is something that we only recently discovered runs rampant in our family on the maternal side. I also have this disease, as does my brother, my 15 year old nephew, my late Grandfather, my late Uncle, and various distant relatives. In fact, the diagnosis of CMT that I received when I was 40 years old provided an explanation for all of the joint pain, dislocations, injuries, and necessary surgeries throughout my lifetime.

Mom is currently participating in a 2 year study to help scientists learn whether or not Co- enzyme Q 10 has a positive effect on CMT. Through all of her pain, she and my father travel to Johnstown, PA and back every 6 weeks to endure batteries of tests in the hope of finding a cure. I pray that God will grant her some relief, and that this study will prove to be beneficial.

Until next time,
Nancy

11 Months and 115 Pounds Lighter...

2010-09-03T20:30:00.000-04:00


Backyard camping with Zoë (& Bob.)

I can wear fitted t-shirts and still be able to breathe.
I can walk for long distances without really thinking about it.
I want to be more active.
I AM more active.
My asthma has improved.
I can keep up with my 4 year old daughter, at least for a little while!
If I put something in my mouth and it doesn't taste amazing, I stop eating it.
I really need to go and buy some new clothes for fall. Everything I own is now hanging off of me.
I have energy. Pure, wonderful energy!
I am not obsessing about my being "fat" anymore.
I have passed the halfway mark to my goal weight.
I am very comfortable behind the wheel of my car.
I can comfortably sit in a booth at a restaurant.
I feel like a new and improved version of my old, happy self.
I am beginning to contemplate plastic surgery to remove extra skin down the line.
I am determined to grow healthier as I grow older, instead of growing sicker with age.
I am still trying to retrain my brain to make the correct food choices, especially when it comes to portions. (I tend to take too much food, though I can't possibly eat it all.) baby steps, baby steps...
I see endless possibilities ahead of me.


115 pounds thinner.

The quality of our family time improves every day, because I am no longer a spectator on a regular basis.

Me, in a tent! NEVER would have tried that 115 pounds ago.

My one year surgical anniversary is coming up on October 7th, 2010. It's hard to believe it's almost been a year. I can't wait to see what happens in year two!

Hernia Surgery

2010-08-07T14:10:00.000-04:00

After a long surgery and a longer than expected stay in the hospital, I returned home late in the afternoon on Friday. Thank you for all of your encouragement. This has been a surprisingly painful operation. The Dilaudid I am taking for the pain just manages to take the edge off for about 1 1/2 hours. When it wears off, it is really rough. When I woke up from the surgery, my doctor told me the pain would be terrible. I could expect to have muscle spasms along with the searing pain.

When he began the operation, he was surprised to find 3 hernias and tons of scar tissue. (The scar tissue makes sense. This is my 3rd abdominal surgery in the last 10 months.) He removed the scar tissue and repaired the hernias, placing a 10 x 12 inch sheet of mesh in my abdomen to prevent hernias in the future.

He was not kidding about the pain! Worse than the contractions I endured when Zoë was born, honestly! I guess it is going to be a long, slow recovery. I am mostly sleeping, walking (helps relieve the pain temporarily), and sipping on tea, juice, and water. I can't really handle solid foods right now, but that's fine by me. I'm hoping to see a good weight loss after my body settles itself down. I'm currently up 10 lbs. because of the fluids, etc. I expected that, as it seems to happen every time I have surgery. My true weight should show in a couple of weeks.

I'm starting to fade, so I'm going to sign off. I'm hoping to be well enough to attend a party for my fellow Class of 1985 graduates this Friday, but right now, things look "iffy" at best. In the meantime, thanks again for your messages of hope and encouragement!

Until Next Time,

Nancy

Tiny Pouch VS. Sunday Brunch

2010-06-21T16:59:00.000-04:00

Keep reading after my post for details on The Eggface Birthday Giveaway!!!

My daughter and I took my husband to brunch at Pickwick & Frolic for Father's Day, yesterday morning. My parents met us there, which was really nice. With brunch costing $30.00 per person (except for Zoë, who was free) I knew I would not get my money's worth out of the food. But we had a good time. I started with a nice, hot cup of tea. While everyone ate their first course, I enjoyed my Earl Grey with lemon very much. After waiting for 15 minutes, I went up to the bar and got a western omelet with tomatoes. The girl making the omelet must have been new, because what I really got was scrambled eggs with ham, cheese, peppers, onions, and tomatoes. I also grabbed a mini banana nut muffin, a mini cheese danish, some rotisserie pork, and a piece of bacon. (Yes, it's a lot of food. No, I didn't plan to eat it all.)

I sat down across from Zoë, who was eyeing the chocolate fountain. I very slowly ate 1/3 of my "omelet" and 3 bites of pork. (which was cold, but still yummy.) Then I ate my mini muffin, and took one bite of the danish, making sure to get the cheese part. The bacon was just way too greasy, so after one bite, I gave up. I must have left over 2/3 of what I took (or rather, what was given to me) on my plate. I did go back for 3 tiny pieces of watermelon and a mini cappuccino cheesecake, of which I had one very tiny bite. (I literally dipped the tip of my spoon into the tiny cheesecake bite, then handed the rest to Bob.) Oh, and I did dip one strawberry in the chocolate fountain and ate a couple of bites. That was heavenly! The chocolate was more dark than milk, and super melty, which was just right for my tastes.

The whole experience was very interesting because I really wanted to eat a bit more, but absolutely could not. Zoë is the only one who ate less than me...she eats hardly anything. (1 1/2 rolls, and a marshmallow.) This is such a different way of life, and I'm still getting used to it. These days, my pouch can hold 1/2 c- 1 1/2 c of food, depending on the type of food. Protein fills me up fastest, and that's good. I don't drink with my meals, because that washes the food through the pouch and then one can eat more than one should. That's why I had my tea before I ate.

The waiter probably didn't know what to make of me, because he never tried to take my plate, even though it sat untouched for over an hour. I finally had to tell him I was finished. What I've learned is that in America, we are expected to be big eaters. It is the norm. Now that I am no longer a big eater, I draw concerned looks from waiters at restaurants who think I don't like my food. Sometimes, I will explain my situation, and sometimes I won't. Yesterday, I did not. I simply paid the man, left him a big tip (hey, he did crawl under the table to retrieve the lipstick I dropped) and left feeling satisfied, but not bloated and uncomfortable. Pretty cool, if you ask me!

Oh...the other thing I've learned is that most of the time, I'll be eating cold food, because I take too darn long to eat!!! LOL!

And on second thought I DID get my money's worth of food, because everything I ate, I enjoyed very much.

Me, Bob, & Zoë at Pickwick & Frolic.

Zoë at the chocolate fountain.

Father & Daughter.

ONE MORE THING: Shelly, who is know to us "losers" as Eggface, is having a fantastic giveaway in honor of the 4 year anniversary of her gastric bypass and her birthday. For a chance to win an awesome ice cream maker, go to www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.com and leave a comment by June 27, 2010. While you're there, do yourself a favor and read her story. If she doesn't inspire you, no one will. Happy Anniversary & Birthday, Shelly!

And So It Begins

2010-05-15T23:04:00.000-04:00

The Honeymoon is over. The hunger is back. The cravings are back. This is to be expected, but still, it was nice when I wasn't hungry. There are other factors at play here, and most of them involve medications. I take a variety of prescription drugs that increase appetite and cravings. Lately, all I want to eat are carbs. The weight loss surgery mantra is "protein first." I am going to be chanting that a lot in the weeks to come!

The actual weight loss is still going well. I am down 95 lbs., but won't be happy until I hit the 100 lb. mark. I'm so close. One of the benefits of losing 95 lbs. is that I am much more active now. I can keep up with my 4 year old daughter, most of the time! Where as I used to sit around the house and watch her play, now I throw her in the car and we go everywhere. We walk around the mall, the grocery store, anywhere we can walk, we go. It is incredibly liberating to be able to move!

Mentally, I've been getting a bit panicky. The old tapes are starting to play again, and I am afraid that I will not lose anymore weight. My therapist felt that I was ready to be on my own, so I haven't seen anyone to discuss this for a couple of months. I think I need to return to therapy with a new therapist. Does anyone know of a good therapist in Strongsville or nearby? I'm taking suggestions!

Until next time,

Nancy

6 Months Ago, Today...

2010-04-07T11:22:00.000-04:00

I made a decision to improve the quality of my life.
I was nervous, and excited.
I had high hopes, and huge fears.
I weighed 85 pounds more than I do today.
I was 4 clothing sizes bigger than I am today.
I didn't think I deserved to wear anything nice or pretty.
I spent most of my time sitting around, watching my daughter play.
I didn't go out very much with my friends.
I could not walk for more than 5 minutes without lots of pain.
My husband was afraid that I would die of a heart attack at a young age.
My brother was very concerned for my health.
I prayed, and God answered my prayers.

6 months ago today, I had life changing, life saving weight loss surgery. To celebrate, yesterday I cleaned out my closet. I gave 5 huge bags of clothes that I can no longer wear to Easter Seals. I even gave away that darn royal blue pantsuit that I wore for every special event during the last 10 years. Weddings, Parties, Cruises, Easter, Christmas, High School Reunion...I wore it everywhere. (Think hard...you know you've seen me in it.)

6 months ago today, a very skilled surgeon changed my life forever. Thank you, Dr. Ben-Meir. Thank you, God. Thank you, Bob and Zoe. Thank you, Mom and Dad. Thank you, Curt. Thank you, Karen, Michele, and Mel. Thank you, Rockport family. Thank you, Daily Strength Support Group friends. Thank you, family and friends, for all of your love and support along this crazy, wonderful journey.

And to Kenna and Mary Jo, my sisters in this journey, thank you for your friendship. Happy 6 month anniversary to us!!!

80 Boxes of Butter

2010-02-22T18:25:00.000-05:00

I've lost 80 pounds. 80 pounds! That's 320 sticks of butter! Or 16-5 pound bags of sugar! Or, as my friend Michele told me today, 2 & 2/3 -30 pound Bags of kitty litter! I am still trying to wrap my mind around this. Yes, I had weight loss surgery expecting to lose lots of weight. But to actually see it happening after years of struggling and failing? It's an amazing feeling.

I started this journey wanting to lose 200 pounds. Seemed insurmountable. Today, I am almost half way to that goal! I'm also feeling better. When you have roux-en-y gastric bypass surgery, you have a malabsorption factor to deal with on a regular basis. I was recently diagnosed with a B12 deficiency as well as a D3 deficiency. I began taking 1,000 mcg. B12 sublingually (under the tongue) and 50,000 IU vitamin D weekly. I am already feeling better. Things are definitely looking up!

A year ago this Wednesday, I made the decision to have this surgery. I am so happy (and thankful to God) that I did it and am reaping such wonderful benefits!

I promise to post a new picture of myself very soon.

Until next time,
Nancy (Scrappyknees)

Church, Coffee, and New Friends

2010-01-10T15:59:00.000-05:00

Some of you may not know that I lost my beloved job as Music Director at Rockport United Methodist Church. This happened on December 15, 2009, because of financial difficulties at the church. I spent the last 15 years of my life there, and leaving was terribly painful. But now that some time has passed, I'm beginning to reconcile to my new life. I'm even starting to think that maybe God knew what he was doing by taking away my job. Now, I have time to focus on my health and well being, especially after enduring such a rough 2.5 months following my surgery.

I haven't been to church since I was let go. I am a strong and faithful believer in God and it is strange not to go to church and Worship on Sundays. But something in my heart is holding me back. It is too fresh; too painful for me to go to church right now. This is a bit strange for me, as my family belongs to a completely different church than the church where I worked. Still, I'm not ready. In fact, last Sunday afternoon I attended my father's choir concert at my childhood church. When they began to sing "Breath of Heaven" tears began rolling down my cheeks. I had done that song with my choir last Christmas, and the song was especially dear to me. I regained my composure afterward, and did enjoy the rest of the concert. That moment of sadness only made me more aware of the fact that I am not yet ready to go back to church. I hope that this feeling will pass with a little more time.

Mary Jo, Kenna, and me.

In the meantime, I am spending my Sundays doing things I enjoy. Today, I met two new friends for coffee at Starbucks in Brecksville. The three of us girls had surgery within one day of each other. And boy, are we all looking great! More importantly, it was wonderful to sit and chat with two other women who had "been there and done that." We all understand each other, and support each other. We share a common bond, and it is beautiful. We're going to get together again at the end of the month. I am really looking forward to that.

On Thursday, January 7, 2010, I celebrated my three month surgery anniversary. (I've since learned that these are referred to as "surgiversaries.") I am thrilled to be down 65 pounds, which is about 1/3 of my goal. But more important than that is the fact that I feel GREAT! It feels wonderful to see that in writing. I now know that having the surgery was the best gift I could have given myself. On January 14 I have my 3 month follow up at the hospital. I'm anxious to see how the doctor thinks I am doing. My hope is that he'll be pleased.

Some interesting changes have happened since the surgery.

Things taste different. Some foods that I used to love, I now hate. Others taste so flavorful, it is amazing.
I used to get hot and sweaty all of the time. It was embarrassing. Now, I am a freeze baby. I've even taken to using an electric blanket at night. (Thanks for the great Christmas gift, mom in law!)
My PMS is horribly intense! Apparently, as women lose weight, the hormones stored in the cells are also released. This makes for some super crazy fluctuations!
My back and neck pain has increased, and I've begun seeing my chiropractor on a weekly basis. I predict a future breast reduction. (Can't come soon enough!)
I've rediscovered my hip (butt) bones. I just noticed this today, as I sat in Starbucks, chatting with Kenna and Mary Jo. I still have quite a bit to lose back there, but I'm off to a good start.

My favorite change to date has to do with walking. I used to avoid going to stores. Between my knee replacements, arthritis, and weight, I could barely walk. Throw in hauling around a three year old, and it just worked out better to stay home. NOW, I'm going out again. I'm not afraid to walk, even on the ice. In fact, I don't even think about it. The other day, Zoë and I were walking around Toys R Us, and after about a half an hour, I looked at her and said, "Zoë, Mommy's not tired, or hot, or sweaty!" It was a really awesome moment!
As time progresses, I am sure there will be many more changes for the better. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to have this surgery.

Before I sign off, I want to ask all of you to keep my friend, Sharron De Costa, in your thoughts and prayers. We haven't seen each other in a long time, but were lucky to reconnect through Facebook. Sharron is a lovely person and is loved by many. This past week, she learned that she has uterine cancer. She is a strong, vibrant woman, and I know that she will kick this cancer in the butt. I cannot imagine how she must be feeling, so please send her good vibes. Love you, Sharron.

Until next time,
Nancy (Scrappyknees)

P.S. I'd like to post a picture of me, Mary Jo, and Kenna on this page. Does anyone know how to do that?

Olive Garden

2009-12-22T13:11:00.000-05:00

I went to the Olive Garden with my super skinny friend, Michele, and she actually ate more than me!!! Hee hee hee. That cracks me up because she doesn't eat very much at all! This was my first restaurant outing since the surgery, and I thought I'd only eat one item. I ended up having a lovely small meal. Two bites of salad, a few bites of mozzerella fondue, an ounce of a huge chicken skewer, and even a few bites of dessert. (We shared) The have a no sugar added chocolate lava cake. It's served warm on vanilla cream with strawberries, and on the inside is melty chocolate. It was wonderful. AND I brought home enough food for 2 more meals!!!

I was pleasantly surprised to see that Olive Garden has added more protein based meals to their menu. For anyone who is concentrating on eating protein, I highly recommend the Chicken Spiedini Skewer. It has three nice sized pieces of marinated chicken (tastes like the Venetian Grilled chicken they used to serve), grilled veggies, and russet potatoes. Definitely a good day!

Two Months Later

2009-12-07T13:37:00.001-05:00

Two months ago today I had my surgery. This morning, I am down 50 pounds!! I'm finally off of my pain medicine, and starting to feel human, again. Now I just need to get the nausea under control. But, YAY!!!

Time To Heal

2009-12-01T22:22:00.000-05:00

When I began this journey, I had no idea that it would be so difficult. At the same time, I believe in the magic of Christmas, and in God's healing hand. My hope is that I will be well again in time for the new year.

I spent Thanksgiving week in the hospital. I was sent there because I began to experience extreme pain at the original surgical site. While the doctors never did figure out why I had the pain, they did do a good job of managing the pain while I was hospitalized. Now that I'm home, I'm taking some pretty heavy duty pain killers. It's a miracle that I can think, let alone type. I'm also having a lot of nausea, probably caused by the pain killers. The Zofran I take for nausea works fairly well. In fact, I'm due for one right now.

I have been so blessed by my family, who has rallied around me during this trying time. Bob is in the process of filing FMLA papers to protect his job, since he has had to miss a lot of work. My mom and his mom have been wonderful, spending 8 hour days at our house whenever possible. They play with Zoë while I sleep.
I want to thank them for their constant love and support. And I want Bob to know that I love him so much. I could never survive this without him.

I am hopeful that things are going to quickly improve. I miss visiting my friends and going to work. My boss has been extremely supportive, but I really do need to get back there. I miss everyone so much!

The good news in all of this is that I am officially 40 pounds lighter! There's always a light in the storm.

Until next time,

Nancy

Inspiration

2009-11-08T15:48:00.000-05:00

This song moved me to tears, today. It really sums up this whole weight loss journey perfectly.

The Climb lyrics (Miley Cyrus)
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Minus 31 and counting!

2009-10-28T20:53:00.000-04:00

I saw the doctor on Friday and learned that I had lost 31 pounds! I am still feeling sick, so today, my doctor ran a battery of tests on me. He's going to call with the results tomorrow, and I may have to go back for more tests. Needless to say, I did not get back to work this week. The doctor told me that if this continues I may not be able to return to work until after Thanksgiving. My boss/Pastor has been wonderful and supportive. But Christmas is coming, and there's lots to do! I really need to get back to work!

At this moment, I am very tired from a long afternoon at the hospital. I'm gonna go watch America's Next Top Model and sip on some diluted juice.

Until next time,
Nancy (Scrappyknees)

Everday a Baby Step

2009-10-20T14:53:00.000-04:00

I have been surprised by how sick I've been following my surgery. My doc had me thinking I'd be feeling great and able to function at 2 weeks out. Well, it's 2 weeks out and I feel like I have the flu. Everything is making me feel nauseated. On Saturday, I found my self wondering if I had made a mistake having the surgery. My mom and Karen helped me get over that hump by allowing me to cry it out and brood for a while.

I have to get my act together soon, because I need to return to work on Oct. 28. My goal is to feel better by this weekend. Not sure how to accomplish that, but it's a good goal.

Soups seem to feel good when I drink them. Last night Bob brought me my favorite french onion soup (minus croutons) from Panera. We had to put it in the blender to break down the onions and the cheese. Boy, was that good. The other things that seem to go down easy are sugar free popsicles. They feel good as they melt in my mouth and head south, and they quench my thirst, too.

Right now, I'm sipping on some tomato soup. I REALLY want some water, but it doesn't seem to agree with me at the moment. It's so weird how things have changed as far as eating and drinking goes. Things taste different, more intense. I still crave my favorites like pizza, but I could not eat that right now, no matter how much I want to.

Well, I'm getting sleepy. Bob has taken Zoë to the zoo, so I have the house to myself. Gonna go and rest a bit.

Until next time,
Nancy (Scrappyknees)

Hungry and Sleepy

2009-10-17T01:13:00.000-04:00

I am so hungry, even though I am "eating." Actually, I'm drinking, and I don't think it is dense enough. I am pretty sure I need to up my caloric in take, but I don't know how to do it. Luckily, I get to add more foods like yogurt, etc. to my diet starting on Sunday. This should help a lot. My average intake right now is about 650 calories a day. I'm supposed to shoot for 1000 calories. No wonder I'm hungry. Tomorrow, I will add a third protein shake and see if that helps.

This surgery really kicked my butt. When I'm not taking meds or trying to get in calories, I am asleep. I've been so fortunate to have help with Zoë this week. Between Bob, his mom, and my parents she's been well cared for everyday. I miss being an active part of her life, so this has to change, somehow. But I just feel so darn weak and tired, I can barely function. I haven't even taken any phone calls, because it is too hard to talk when I'm this tired.

The good news is the pain is much less and I managed to ditch the pain pills. Surely this will help me perk up a bit?

Well, I'm getting sleepy after all this typing.

Until next time,
Nancy (Scrappyknees)

Surgery Update

2009-10-11T14:47:00.000-04:00

I am home, recovering from my surgery. Writing this entry is a challenge because I have Demerol chorusing through my veins. Yes, I am in pain and breathing deeply is a big challenge. In order to do the surgery laproscopically, the doctor filled my chest and stomach cavity up with gas. This excess gas has to pass thru my system at it's own pace. I walk every hour that I am awake to assist the movement of the gas, and to ensure I don't develop any blood clots.

The hospital stay was okay. Most of the nurses were very nice and helpful. There was one nurse who didn't like me very much. She took an attitude with me when I asked her for assistance with walking. I had to use a crutch, and walk with another person to be safe. This was because I was so unsteady with my knee problems. The other nurses kindly assisted me. This one, however, gave me grief before agreeing to help me. She didn't "understand why I needed special assistance." She also gave me grief over several other things I need assistance with. I was glad when her shift was over. Like I said, the rest of the staff was wonderful and kind.

My diet is liquid for ten days following surgery. Today for breakfast I had 12 very soupy micro bites of coco wheats (hot cereal like cream of wheat), and 4 oz. light cranberry juice. Sipped on water, took a nap. After I finish writing here, I'll have some chicken broth, then probably another nap.

The worst thing so far is having to ingest crushed medicines. Oh, they taste so bad, and after I take them I can't gulp down water to flush out the taste. I can sip little sips, only. After 6 weeks, I'll be able to take whole pills again. Can't wait for that day!

That's about all my sleepy head can think of right now. Until next time...

Nancy (Scrappyknees)

Intitiate Transformation

2009-10-03T14:59:00.000-04:00

In 5 days, I begin a new life. This Wednesday, October 7, 2009, I will have bariatric surgery;a gastric bypass, to help me loose weight once and for all. Today someone asked me if I was excited about the surgery? "No, not excited...calm. And ready," was my reply. Yes, I am ready to take this huge step toward rediscovering who I believe I am truly meant to be. In my heart, I am a young 40 something, strong, and lean. I hope to be that person in mind and body, soon.

Why such a drastic step, you may ask? Easy. I have tried EVERYTHING to loose weight. I have not always been overweight. Those of you reading this who knew me as a child, teenager, and in my early twenties would be shocked to learn that since that time, I have gained 200 pounds. 200 pounds. It's so frightfully difficult to admit, especially since I carry my weight well. Most people think I am approx. 100-125 pounds overweight. Ha! Got you fooled. At my thinnest, which was pretty thin, I weighed 165. It must be my height, and my solid Slavic/Italian construction that helps me hide it so well.

I blame my demise on two things: Steroids and a love of food. In 1990, I became very ill. (Many of you know that I have had chronic asthma since age 5.) I was prescribed Prednisone, a steroid which is wonderful at helping you overcome inflammation. Mine happened to be in the lungs. The other thing the drug did well was increase my appetite tremendously. I was on Prednisone for a solid 10 years. It was not uncommon for me to pack on 20 pounds in one week. At first, I didn't know what was going on. I just kept gaining and gaining at an alarmingly rapid pace. In 1994, the year I married, I learned how to stop gaining and hold steady. I changed my diet radically, and exercised like crazy. I held steady at 150 pounds gained, but could not loose to save my life.

Then came the diet quest. Weight Watcher's, Jenny Craig, Weight Watcher's, Diet Center, Weight Watcher's, Slim Fast, Weight Watcher's, Physician's Weight Loss, Weight Watcher's, Atkins, Weight Watcher's, Weight Watcher's, Weight Watcher's. Between 1995-2008, I tried all of those diets, some more than once, as you see. All I managed to do was loose 20 pounds over a painfully long, slow period of time, then gain 25. In the end, I gained another 50. This whole time I was on and off of Prednisone.

In March of 2008, my husband and I attended a free seminar about bariatric surgery. We both left feeling like there was no way I was going to do THAT to my body. I felt like a big looser for even needing to look at the surgery as an option. Besides, we wanted another baby and I was already 40. With bariatric surgery you must wait 18-24 months before having a child, so as to ensure the health of the child and mother. Funny, I spent the next year with a little nag in the back of my head. I didn't get pregnant, and I wasn't loosing weight. And I was extremely unhappy with myself, physically.

On Ash Wednesday of 2009, I sat in my director's chair at Rockport United Methodist Church behind the alter, as Pastor Dan Bryant preached about changing ourselves for the better. That little nag started to pound away in my head. Pastor Dan had us write down something we wanted to change for the glory of God during this Lenten Season. I don't remember my exact words, but I wrote that I wanted to change my body into the Holy Temple it was meant to be. We then walked up to a flaming pot and burned our concerns in front of our fellow believers. At that moment, a peaceful feeling entered my soul and I knew that I should have the surgery.

My husband, though very concerned, was also very supportive. We made an appointment with the surgeon. We learned the risks and benefits, what to expect, and that the process would be long. Over the next 6 months I had numerous appointments. Every time I thought, "That's it. I should be able to get my surgery date now," I was told I needed to schedule another appointment. I saw my physician, my pulmonologist, my allergist, a dietician, a psychiatrist, and many others. Finally, in September of 2009 I was given a surgery date of October 7, 2009.

I had originally hoped to have my surgery during the summer. I had the summer off from my church job, so my surgery would be more private. See, in my mind, I felt like my need to have the surgery was admitting a failure of some kind. So I wanted to keep it private. But God once again began to work in my heart. "Tell the world and the world will support you!" is the message I heard over and over again in my dreams. Slowly, I did begin to tell people. To my surprise, they were excited for me!!! So now , here I am, blogging about the experience. Now I realize that there may be someone out there who needs to hear from me. My journey may help someone else with their journey, I hope and pray.

I am still too embarrassed to tell you my actual weight, (though you can probably guess in the correct vacinity) except to say that my goal is to loose 200 pounds. And you know what? I want you to journey with me, so I will do my best to keep up with this blog. I thank you in advance for your love, support, prayers, and good thoughts. I thank God for all of you as I take this giant leap of faith.

Until next time,

Nancy (Scrappyknees)